Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in the kitchen making clay things, when the phone rang...My Nanna answered it, and my Nanna... after hanging up... It... she told me that my dad killed himself. My mom did CPR to try to save him (she's a nurse...), but.. no go. He took four full bottles of three-month prescriptions, went to sleep, and didn't wake up.

I screamed at my Nanna that she was lying.

He was 47 years old. I'm 17. 17 and fatherless.


My dad will never see me graduate, and I'm his only child of four who will do so. He will never walk me down the aisle. He will never see my children. He will never yell at me for not waking up for school in the morning, or for assuming that he'll take me out on Fridays... I'll never again be annoyed by his obnoxious singing and OCD, or embarrassed by his mid-life crisis-induced cowboy-wannabe getup, or his smoking and playing on my DS Lite at 4 AM...

I... will never see my father again. I've refused to see him before his cremation.

I'm sorry I shunned him so much, and that I made fun of him for using that pink DS because it had a Kuromi sticker on it... I... I don't know what to do.

He was depressed for so long, but I never expected him to... do this. I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will be over. That I'll go home in August and he'll be there with Pookie (dog), telling me to call the dog Rook.

This can't be happening. This can't be. This can't be. This can't be.